18 August 2025
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20 September 2025
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Everything feels different even though a lot of it's the same.
Just a week ago I was in a completely different mindset and was so comfortable. First week of uni wasn't
tough by any means, but it's just... a lot of changes. It's definitely exasperated by the fact that I
haven't done anything in a couple years. My adjustment disorder was really bad a few years ago, but just
like every other intense emotion I used to feel back then, it feels more mellowed out right now. Is that a
good thing or a bad thing? I don't know.
I hope I can feel better soon.
I had a dream where everything was just wrong. My dreams often feel wrong, just a little off. The Street
Fighter was different, the music playing was different too, almost like I was in an alternate reality. I
woke up and I didn't feel like I was home. My room was the same, the house was the same, but it feels so
different. It's so uncomfortable. I realise I stopped playing alot of the games I've been playing
recently. Some of it is just unfortunate timing, like how I lost interest in ZZZ's story. But maybe some
subconscious part of me could feel the change coming and stopped doing things I know I enjoy out of
anxiety or something. I don't know. Haven't played Street Fighter in a while. I still raid. But we aren't
doing TOP like we have been doing for the past months (this is a good thing, but unfortunate timing
again). One of our long time members might have to stop raiding with us soon too. Again, terrible timing.
There's so much change happening recently and it's so much to take in. It's easy to "MAN MODE" and barrel
through it when the brain is busy and occupied but when it all eventually slows down, when the lights go
out and I'm alone with my thoughts, it's impossible to ignore. I haven't felt this way since I was in the
army. I've been talking too much too. God. I need my alone time. My mind is racing racing racing racing
racing and won't stop.
At the very least, I've been enjoying reading the content in Literature (though it can be quite time
consuming). I'm learning about the Middle Ages and some of the content like seeing seemingly unrelated
subjects like Nordic imagery of Ragnarok along with imagery of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ on the same
artifact was pretty amazing to learn about. A lot of the games I play make reference to old literature as
well, and the first one I've read is Beowulf! So, now I know the origins of Grendel and Hrunting from GBF.
I hope I never forget how it felt during the week I created this website. There were a whole bunch of
annoyances that always come with coding but I was relaxed. At peace? If that makes sense. It felt good,
like I was in my element. Recently I can't relax. I'm filled with anxious energy that gets me to do things
but I don't know how sustainable this is. I hope I never forget how it felt during the week I created this
website.
Hopefully I feel better this week. 2 days felt like 5 last week. I'm not an optimist but I have a gut
feeling that things should calm down soon. (please? brain?).
I want to watch Weapons and the Jujutsu Kaisen recap movie coming out soon.
I looked at the RPGmaker devlog page and I want to get ideas for AELYVENTURES I WANT TO MAKE IT REAL!!!
I want to go to Japan again!! I want to go to Texas one day!!! I want to visit my friend in Wisconsin!!! I
want to visit my friend in Greece!!!
If anyone besides the pizza gods are reading, thank you.
Well! It's been a month and things got better and also worse! This one is a little sad and edgy so apologies...
I would like to preface by saying that I am extremely critical of myself. I find it almost impossible to
forgive myself and spend endless time thinking and thinking and thinking and replaying and replaying
scenarios in my head like a tape on rewind. Before uni I've spent a lot of time at home by myself, and
with that came a lot of self reflection.
One boon that came from this is that I am very careful in my thoughts and words. I generally understand
why I feel a certain way and can explain why I have one opinion or another. Underneath all the goober
nonsense and unseriousness, I believe that I am a mature, and dare I say, Wise person.
I don't like to toot my own horn. I'd rather be filled with self-hatred than self-importance and pride and
ego. There's nothing I hate more than a person full of themselves. And yet, I think I'm going to venture
out and say some positive things about myself: I am mature and wise.
It seems maturity and wisdom is harder to find than I thought.
Intelligence is not wisdom, but is
often conflated with it, and it can surely disguise itself as wisdom. This is something I've unfortunately
had to be reminded of recently. Compared to most (if not all) of my freshmen peers, I'm much older. Of
course, age does not always (or even commonly) beget wisdom. Someone might look at how I've spent a couple
years and say, "Yes, you're older but you wasted those years." I disagree. I've done many things over
those years from drawing to 3D modeling to learning RPGMaker to raiding to making this website and coding,
but most importantly, I've become much more certain in my thoughts and convictions. My peers are younger,
less wise, less mature. I'm not blaming them, they're younger. I feel lonely.
Age does not beget wisdom. I'd say one of the most mature people I've met so far is a 19 year old girl in
my Spanish class. On the other hand, a TA is found disguising intelligence as wisdom.
As cheesy as it sounds, I really wish I cared less. I'm constantly thinking of what's the right thing to
do, how someone else would feel, how to say something that needs to be said properly and empathetically.
And if I feel I've wronged someone, my brain will agonise and will. not. let. me. rest. It's what
Spider-man would do. I'm not Spider-man, I'm just me.
At the very least, no one can hurt me more than myself. I've found strength in anger. In the distant past,
I'd be bullied or browbeat one way or the other. No one will ever make me feel that way again.
Age does not beget wisdom. Do not underestimate me.
On a happier note, I have some ideas for Aelyventures woohoo yippee! I want to work on it but time...
